Dork Reports

After going back and forth since the beginning of June and negotiating things here and there, I have, for the first time I believe, turned down a job offer. Seeing as I’ve been working since I was literally eligible to work (had to go to school in the summer just to get a work permit) and I’ve pretty much always taken what was first available, this is a good sign. I’ve had a string of not so great work experiences that have stemmed from me wanting to do something in entertainment, not being able to find anything, and then settling for the first company that called me back because I felt the need to be continuously working and taking in income to avoid living off my savings. The sacrifice, of course, was my happiness.

All I can say is thank god my last company fell apart, resulting in my much-needed break. After three years of serious hell, I really needed this time off just to recover from it, reevaluate everything and figure something out. No one really understood why I stayed there so long, myself included; but I had promised myself that, when I took on this “writing” job, it would be my last job ever in LA. I gave up on my plan to escape to New Zealand to accept the offer. And now, many moons later, I still have occasional work nightmares and wake up, jaw hurting, from a night of grinding my teeth.
I’ve been responsible my  whole life. I’ve worked jobs I’ve hated knowing that my parents had to too. Every time I thought about quitting without a back up plan, I felt guilty because it just seemed irresponsible to throw away something I took for granted. Do you know how many people would have killed to have had my first job out of college, who could never even dream of making that much money and who would have been grateful to do it while I stewed in my discontent, feeling like I deserved something better?

As much as I felt like I deserved my little paid vacation, I always did feel guilty. There was the opportunity cost of what I could have been making and saving, the fact that I made more money than people did while working and that I got to do what others wish they were doing. But at the same time it’s not like people would have been willing to make that sacrifice, and might not have prepared for it like I did, literally living as though my company could go under at any moment. Aside from the money I gave my parents every month, my increase in salary made relatively little difference to my life. I was prepared for years, having already budgeted how I could live if unemployed and when the time came, I did it.

Well, that time is over now. So of course, I wanted to have the end of my little paid vacation coincide with the start of this new job – just a smooth transition from not working to working. The money certainly wasn’t impressive by any means at all, but I saw it as a big picture opportunity. However, the more I thought about it, the less enthusiastic I felt. When it became clear that it was probably just a money making opportunity and a chance to do the responsible thing, I decided I could really live without this job. Like, seriously live without it. I have a couple interviews with companies I’m actually interested in working for and it just seems like I should spend some more time searching for the best job instead of settling for the first one. I have no doubt that I’ll eventually settle for any job but anything after the first offer will probably most definitely be better.