After ignoring my hosting for too long I ended up having to shell out more money to turn my sites back on today. And I’m totally not going to have time to transfer them to my other host so next month I’ll have to pay again. Sigh.

Trying to do some mad cleaning, so maybe the allergies are dust related since everything seems to be kicked up.

Ugh. Who knew getting what I was going after could be so teeth-grindingly stressful?

All I can say is thank god my last company fell apart, resulting in my much-needed break. After three years of serious hell, I really needed this time off just to recover from it, reevaluate everything and figure something out. No one really understood why I stayed there so long, myself included; but I had promised myself that, when I took on this “writing” job, it would be my last job ever in LA. I gave up on my plan to escape to New Zealand to accept the offer. And now, many moons later, I still have occasional work nightmares and wake up, jaw hurting, from a night of grinding my teeth.
I’ve been responsible my  whole life. I’ve worked jobs I’ve hated knowing that my parents had to too. Every time I thought about quitting without a back up plan, I felt guilty because it just seemed irresponsible to throw away something I took for granted. Do you know how many people would have killed to have had my first job out of college, who could never even dream of making that much money and who would have been grateful to do it while I stewed in my discontent, feeling like I deserved something better?

As much as I felt like I deserved my little paid vacation, I always did feel guilty. There was the opportunity cost of what I could have been making and saving, the fact that I made more money than people did while working and that I got to do what others wish they were doing. But at the same time it’s not like people would have been willing to make that sacrifice, and might not have prepared for it like I did, literally living as though my company could go under at any moment. Aside from the money I gave my parents every month, my increase in salary made relatively little difference to my life. I was prepared for years, having already budgeted how I could live if unemployed and when the time came, I did it.

Well, that time is over now. So of course, I wanted to have the end of my little paid vacation coincide with the start of this new job – just a smooth transition from not working to working. The money certainly wasn’t impressive by any means at all, but I saw it as a big picture opportunity. However, the more I thought about it, the less enthusiastic I felt. When it became clear that it was probably just a money making opportunity and a chance to do the responsible thing, I decided I could really live without this job. Like, seriously live without it. I have a couple interviews with companies I’m actually interested in working for and it just seems like I should spend some more time searching for the best job instead of settling for the first one. I have no doubt that I’ll eventually settle for any job but anything after the first offer will probably most definitely be better.

People like to tell me that eventually I’ll enjoy exercising. I feel like that’s a lie. I do enjoy hiking and I don’t have a problem walking everywhere though at times I wish my bike was fixed so I could save a little time. But there are some things that I still hate.

This is my routine. At day 25 I doubled up to 16 minutes a day.

I hate: Crunches, Inner Thigh, Outer Thigh.
I feel like these are useless: Calves, Back, Hamstrings.
I like: Biceps, Triceps, Chest.

The main reason I doubled up was so I could do more biceps, triceps and chest presses in hopes of seeing my arms get toned. One of these days I’ll get my 5 lb. weights back and then I’ll achieve my goal of Madonna arms. Gross.

These are very basic exercises that I’m fine doing, but they’re kind of boring. But, outside of going to the gym to do the same exact things but with a machine, I don’t know what else I would do to tone those other parts. I never want to go to a gym again and would rather go hiking or rock climbing. I’ll probably never become a runner and would rather look stupid and continue to fast walk everywhere without the exaggerated arm motions.

I guess I’ll keep it up for now, along with the hiking/walking and Wii Fit. I’m also flossing, moisturizing and trying to remember to eat my calcium gummies on a daily basis. Basically, I’m being what I should have been my whole life and expecting it to make me feel better. Since it’s not, I’ll have to keep searching for a solution for happiness.

Next week’s goals: finally mail back Up in the Air that I’ve had since Monday and neither returned nor watched (again) until tonight, cold contact one company I’d really like to work for, and think about using the gym pass Ann lent me. The last one is likely not going to happen but perhaps I’ll get out and about during the week on foot rather than behind the wheel. There is still much to be done.

In the past week or so I’ve been snowboarding in Lake Tahoe, hiked about 14 miles at Crystal Springs Reservoir and Mount Tamalpais, and volunteered my services for a bit, even if it was only for a couple of hours. I’ve received resume feedback, and should get some more soon, and have continued to scope out job openings at the companies I’d like to work for. This week, I will apply for at least one job. Goals have to start somewhere.

Lately, the thing that has made me want to die the most has been the daunting task of cleaning out all the boxes that came from our old house, and figuring out what to do with all the crap in them. It’s absolutely overwhelming. I must admit there are days where I tackle the mess with great vigor and then spend other days wallowing in bed, just unable to face the mess that cleaning up yields. Do I throw stuff away, lend stuff to friends for an indefinite amount of time, donate it for charitable causes (or, in most cases for profit), or try to sell stuff? Faced with so many decisions about such inconsequential stuff, plus not knowing how to get rid of it is seriously a pain in the ass.

I’m a messy person mostly because I can’t throw stuff away either because it seems wasteful to not attempt to let it be used by someone else, I want to put it aside for recycling, or I am convinced that somewhere down the line, I will need stuff and not want to have to buy it again. This is not the attitude to have when contemplating moving cross-country. But then there are things like my typewriters, my polaroid camera, my super-8 camera, my 35mm Canon AE, and other sorts of gadgets that I don’t want to part with, but have nowhere to put them. Not to mention my books that I never read but don’t want to give away, the VHS tapes that I might as well keep as long as my VCR still works, and the photo albums that I haven’t even looked through in years. Do I put those in storage, or do I haul them around with me?

Decisions, decisions. In the mean time, I will probably continue to go hike around the Bay Area so at least for a few hours a week so I can distract myself, even if it makes my inner thighs oddly sore, and really loses its appeal when you reach what you think is the end of the road, only to find a loose signpost directing you in a questionable direction, only to have your phone delete your picture of Jackie and Gina (probably for the best), only to take a picture of your friends pretending to not know where to go only to discover that their best informed decision of where to go ended up being a mile longer to the destination, followed by a mile walk along a highway to the actual destination.

All in all, there’s not much to complain about…besides EVERYTHING. The Bay Area is pretty, the weather’s been nice, I’ve got some goals in place, and things are coming up Milhouse. Now, if someone would only come over and help me throw everything out so I can have some peace in my life!